|Who's picking him up at the airport?|
Oh, you hadn't heard? Yep, the Rapture's coming May 21st. That's Saturday. The Big R. Kind of makes the NFL lockout seem like not a big deal, huh?
In retrospect, I'm glad that I never did start that "Top 5 Albums of My Lifetime Year by Year" project I was contemplating... I doubt I would have made it out of the '70s, which was a pretty dreadful time for music. The good news, of course, is that "Parks and Recreation" is airing the last two episodes of the season this Thursday, so we won't miss anything. Of course, the bad news is that "Game of Thrones" is only halfway done. Heaven must have HBO, right? That would make sense. As a matter of fact, I bet all you Left Behinders will be stuck with MTV, since we all know that no one that's ever been associated with MTV has any chance come Judgement Day.
I imagine that Heaven must be pretty crazy this week, trying to decide who stays and goes; it's probably something like Santa's workshop the week before Christmas. Now, sure, there are plenty of groups that you can eliminate right away- such as Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Gays, Communists, Democrats, and the French- but that still leaves several billion people to sort out. That's a lot, even for God. He must be burning the candle at both ends this week. Well, he created the world in six days, so I guess this isn't that big a deal. I do hope he remembers to set his TiVo to tape both "Parks and Rec" episodes, though.
We know that the world is ending because the founder of Family Radio, Harold Camping, has done an exhaustive study of the Bible, and it says May 21, 2011, like, everywhere. Now, a lot of people want to make a big deal out of the fact that Camping's original prediction for the Rapture was September 4, 1994, which was a decidedly Rapture-free day. Hey, that's okay with me, since my birthday was three weeks later. However, as he explained to New York Magazine, Camping has a very good reason for getting the original date wrong: he hadn't finished reading the Bible. Now, the cynics among you might be saying "how the fuck could he predict the world would end in 1994 if he hadn't finished developing the equation of prediction? Isn't that like NASA firing a rocket into space without calculating the trajectory?" Well, I'd respond to the cynics among you that it doesn't really matter what you think, because you're not going anywhere anyway. So fuck off.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about my chances. My wife's a priest. My daughter's adorable. And my mom's sure to put in a good word, and, if you've met my mom, you know how persuasive she can be. And, okay, sure, I have been illegally downloading "Game of Thrones" these past few weeks (in fact... better get to that), and sure, I may have a few skeletons in the closet, and yeah, maybe I do blaspheme on a shockingly regular basis, but I also make a mean vegetarian enchilada, so I figure it all balances out. Good luck to the rest of you! Sleep tight, ya morons!