So I was at a fast food restaurant the other day... I've always found it strange to refer to fast food places as "restaurants". Technically they are, I suppose, but only in the way that MTV is "music television", which is to say in name only. Anyway, at this fast food joint which shall remain nameless (but it was Wendy's) I bought a chicken nuggets meal, medium size, and it was yummy, thanks for asking. But while my appetite may have been sated, I left said establishment (again: Wendy's) less then satisfied. For, you see, the cost of my meal- which, I must remind you, was ordered from a FIXED menu- was the painfully awkward figure of $6.02.
Six. Oh. Two. There is no reason on God's green Earth for Wendy's to charge an extra .02 cents rather then a nice, round six dollars. Well, okay, outside of greed, because when you add up all those .02 cents over the course of a year, it's probably a nice amount. But I'll tell you a little secret: I would gladly- GLADLY!- pay $6.05 just to not get those three pennies back.
Pennies exist for one reason, and one reason only-- to make change. I carry pennies with me only so that I can avoid getting more pennies. Doesn't that seem silly? Doesn't that seem like a complete waste of time? Doesn't that seem like one little irritant from our daily lives that we could happily remove? And I'll tell you something else: most businesses would gladly get rid of the penny. Remember the penny shortage from a decade ago? Of course you don't. The only thing sillier would be a junk mail shortage. See, there was a penny shortage, because the vast, vast majority of the things don't circulate. So banks didn't have enough to give out, and retailers had to jump through hoops to make correct change. It was preposterous.
The West Wing talked about eliminating the penny in an episode, and concluded that it wouldn't happen because Illinois wouldn't like it, because Abraham Lincoln's on the penny. But... but... haven't we honored Lincoln enough? He's still got the five dollar bill, after all. And that great monument in Washington. And a bunch of other things. Really, I think we've done all right by ol' Abe. And who really wants to keep Illinois happy anyway? After all, as John Oliver points out, you're statisically more likely to go to jail if you're elected governor of Illinois then if you grow up in South Central L.A.
Here's a link to the Citizens for Retiring the Penny; I urge you all to join. I'm throwing my considerable socio-political weight behind this thing. Let's get this done, and have one less useless irritant out of our lives. Up next: cigarettes and guns.
Showing posts with label Banes of My Existence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Banes of My Existence. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Banes of My Existence: Joe Theismann
Joe Theismann is the absolute worst football color commentator I've ever heard. He was a key cog in what was, year after year, the most dreadful announcing team ever: the ESPN Sunday Night Football crew, with Mike Patrick and, later, Paul McGuire. Paul Zimmerman, the great Sports Illustrated football writer, used to rank the NFL announce teams every year, and he railed against these clowns for year. I don't think they ever managed a star (out of a five star system), and I don't recall anyone ever expressing disagreement. Simply put, Joe Theismann makes a broadcast unlistenable.
He was finally put out to pasture, after one year on Monday Night Football. And no one outside of Joe Theismann missed him for one bleeping second. But, inexplicably, the NFL Network added him to the pretty solid team of Bob Papa and Matt Millen, and the result has been sadly predictable. Imagine if FEMA decided to give Mike Brown another shot, and you'll get the idea.
Anyway, I wanted to share a few nuggets from tonight's Eagles-Texans game:
He was finally put out to pasture, after one year on Monday Night Football. And no one outside of Joe Theismann missed him for one bleeping second. But, inexplicably, the NFL Network added him to the pretty solid team of Bob Papa and Matt Millen, and the result has been sadly predictable. Imagine if FEMA decided to give Mike Brown another shot, and you'll get the idea.
Anyway, I wanted to share a few nuggets from tonight's Eagles-Texans game:
- Talking about a Texans receiver whom had just made a catch on second down: "I wouldn't be surprised if they go back to him right here." This was said as the receiver was shown heading to the sidelines.
- After an Eagles sack: "Well, that's what happens when you send more then they can block. [Brief pause.] This time, it's only four."
- Seconds before the referee announces an offensive holding call, said confidently: "This'll be defensive holding".
- On Houston star receiver Andre Johnson, late in the game: "The Eagles have completely taken Andre Johnson out of the second half of this game. He had the one catch along the sideline for about 7 yards, but that's it". Johnson's second half stats to that point: 3 catches for 58 yards, including a 31 yarder. As if to pound the point home, NFL Network posted his stats to that point: 4 catches, 100 yards.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Banes of My Existence: Kevin Smith
I suppose it was inevitable that something would set me off to rant about Kevin Smith here. It's probably a surprise it's taken this long; after all, I've been ranting about him for years. It's fair to say that I hate his work, in that I've hated every movie of his I've ever seen or comic book that I've ever read. I've often wondered if I'd hate him personally if our paths were ever to cross. He seems like a nice enough fellow. We'd certainly have plenty to talk about. I also wonder if it's possible to be friends with someone if you despise their work; I guess it's like dating a girl even though you think she's a twit. And I did once chase after a girl that thought there should be a Constitutional amendment passed requiring every American to see Pearl Harbor. She, though, was a helluva lot hotter then Kevin Smith.
I'm going to go on a quick tangent (or continue the tangent) here and tell a story about my friend Travis. He was talking to some girl once at a party, and she was telling him about her boyfriend, and how they have such a great connection, like all the same things, ect. And she said something like "he likes ice cream and puppies, just like me!" And Travis, bless him, told her how stupid that was, because every body likes ice cream and puppies. And she got mad at him and, I think, tossed his hat in the pool. But what impressed me was that Travis did something that men in our twenties never do, which is call out a girl we're hoping to pick up on something inane she said. I have the utmost respect for him for that.
I want to make one thing clear here: I'm not one of those Johnny-come-lately Kevin Smith haters. I've always hated his work. No, I did not think Clerks was funny, or keenly observant, and I was, in fact, working at a convenience store at the time. Mallrats I did not see, but I did see Chasing Amy, oh so many times. I was working at the Ritz Five in Philly, the art house chain, and Chasing Amy must have played there for about seven years. By the end of its' run I couldn't even bring myself to walk into the theater while it was playing. I've gone around and around with people on this, but what I always come back to in criticizing the film is that it is so ineptly made. Let me give you an example: there's a scene at the end of the movie where Jason Lee is talking to a fan at a comic book convention. The scene basically cuts between shots of the two of them, with the fan's monologue running uninterrupted between shots. Except that the background audio is different between each shot. This might not seem like a big deal; but, for a guy making his third film, it's inexcusable.
And then there's Dogma, the last Kevin Smith film I've ever seen. Against my better judgment, I allowed my brother to talk me into watching it, with promises that it was a very smart deconstruction of organized religion. No, it is not. It's a shambles of a film, confirming that Smith still, after now four feature films, does not understand the first thing about storytelling, and has no ability as a director to illicit a compelling performance from an actor. So after that I swore that I'd never give the guy another chance, and that was it. And, really, it hasn't been that hard to avoid him. Sure, the Jay and Silent Bob movie *shudder* was a hit, but Jersey Girl pretty much exposed his limitations, and he's never really recovered. Certainly, the bloom is off the Kevin Smith: filmmaker rose.
And then... there's comics. I guess that, if Kevin Smith is a terrible filmmaker, he's at least only a very bad comic book writer. His dialogue doesn't read quite so stilted as it sounds coming out of an actor's mouth. And he certainly knows comics, unlike some of the other Hollywood bigshots that slum it up for Marvel, DC or Image now and then. I certainly feel, as a comics fan, that we're expected to be thrilled when even the most minor of celebrities does comics, because even the most minor of celebrities is bigger then anyone in comics. So Seth Green's comic is about frat boys with super powers? Who cares, it's by Seth Green! From Austin Powers!
You get the idea. Smith, at least, really did seem to be committed to being a part of the comics industry-- at first. He did successfully relaunch both Daredevil and Green Arrow, though, so I suppose that's something, even if the former did result in the death of a longtime supporting character at the hands of a minor villain, and the plot of the latter revolved around a grandfather raping his grandson. Yes, you read that right.
But his own inability to complete projects soon destroyed his reputation. There was his Spider Man/ Black Cat mini- series that had a literal wait of years between issues. Then there was the Daredevil mini- series that only saw one issue released before Smith just stopped writing it (that one issue, by the way, is among the worst comics I've ever read). And that, really, was it, until DC Comics decided a few years ago to cash in on whatever remaining cred Smith's name has by letting the guy write some Batman. And the first series, Cacophony, was relatively well received.
Well enough, at least, for Smith to do a sequel, The Widening Gyre, originally intended for six issues, but now apparently to be twelve.
And this, finally, is what brings me here today. Because, frankly, Smith had fallen so far off my radar that I was only vaguely aware this thing was even coming out. But this review here really does a nice job bringing me up to speed. And, please, go read it for yourself, because I really don't want to spoil any of the awesome, awesome twists described there. You should have the same thrill of discovery I did when you learn that Kevin Smith had Batman tell a story about... no, no, see for yourself.
But I would really like to share with you a quote from this interview with Smith, that I think explains a lot: " I’m not telling you anything new…I’m far more creative now, you know. I’ve been writing this Batman: The Widening Gyre miniseries, and I’m stoned all the time when I’m writing it. And, I swear, I’ll write it, and then, it’s not so much blackout, but forget, so much so that the next morning, I go to read what I wrote, and it’s, like, I’m that fuckin’ little cobbler and elves came and fuckin' wrote it in the night, because I’m, like, "This is better than anything I’ve ever written before." I mean, like, I’ve done comics, but this is way better."
That really wraps it up nicely, doesn't it?
I'm going to go on a quick tangent (or continue the tangent) here and tell a story about my friend Travis. He was talking to some girl once at a party, and she was telling him about her boyfriend, and how they have such a great connection, like all the same things, ect. And she said something like "he likes ice cream and puppies, just like me!" And Travis, bless him, told her how stupid that was, because every body likes ice cream and puppies. And she got mad at him and, I think, tossed his hat in the pool. But what impressed me was that Travis did something that men in our twenties never do, which is call out a girl we're hoping to pick up on something inane she said. I have the utmost respect for him for that.
I want to make one thing clear here: I'm not one of those Johnny-come-lately Kevin Smith haters. I've always hated his work. No, I did not think Clerks was funny, or keenly observant, and I was, in fact, working at a convenience store at the time. Mallrats I did not see, but I did see Chasing Amy, oh so many times. I was working at the Ritz Five in Philly, the art house chain, and Chasing Amy must have played there for about seven years. By the end of its' run I couldn't even bring myself to walk into the theater while it was playing. I've gone around and around with people on this, but what I always come back to in criticizing the film is that it is so ineptly made. Let me give you an example: there's a scene at the end of the movie where Jason Lee is talking to a fan at a comic book convention. The scene basically cuts between shots of the two of them, with the fan's monologue running uninterrupted between shots. Except that the background audio is different between each shot. This might not seem like a big deal; but, for a guy making his third film, it's inexcusable.
And then there's Dogma, the last Kevin Smith film I've ever seen. Against my better judgment, I allowed my brother to talk me into watching it, with promises that it was a very smart deconstruction of organized religion. No, it is not. It's a shambles of a film, confirming that Smith still, after now four feature films, does not understand the first thing about storytelling, and has no ability as a director to illicit a compelling performance from an actor. So after that I swore that I'd never give the guy another chance, and that was it. And, really, it hasn't been that hard to avoid him. Sure, the Jay and Silent Bob movie *shudder* was a hit, but Jersey Girl pretty much exposed his limitations, and he's never really recovered. Certainly, the bloom is off the Kevin Smith: filmmaker rose.
And then... there's comics. I guess that, if Kevin Smith is a terrible filmmaker, he's at least only a very bad comic book writer. His dialogue doesn't read quite so stilted as it sounds coming out of an actor's mouth. And he certainly knows comics, unlike some of the other Hollywood bigshots that slum it up for Marvel, DC or Image now and then. I certainly feel, as a comics fan, that we're expected to be thrilled when even the most minor of celebrities does comics, because even the most minor of celebrities is bigger then anyone in comics. So Seth Green's comic is about frat boys with super powers? Who cares, it's by Seth Green! From Austin Powers!
You get the idea. Smith, at least, really did seem to be committed to being a part of the comics industry-- at first. He did successfully relaunch both Daredevil and Green Arrow, though, so I suppose that's something, even if the former did result in the death of a longtime supporting character at the hands of a minor villain, and the plot of the latter revolved around a grandfather raping his grandson. Yes, you read that right.
But his own inability to complete projects soon destroyed his reputation. There was his Spider Man/ Black Cat mini- series that had a literal wait of years between issues. Then there was the Daredevil mini- series that only saw one issue released before Smith just stopped writing it (that one issue, by the way, is among the worst comics I've ever read). And that, really, was it, until DC Comics decided a few years ago to cash in on whatever remaining cred Smith's name has by letting the guy write some Batman. And the first series, Cacophony, was relatively well received.
Well enough, at least, for Smith to do a sequel, The Widening Gyre, originally intended for six issues, but now apparently to be twelve.
And this, finally, is what brings me here today. Because, frankly, Smith had fallen so far off my radar that I was only vaguely aware this thing was even coming out. But this review here really does a nice job bringing me up to speed. And, please, go read it for yourself, because I really don't want to spoil any of the awesome, awesome twists described there. You should have the same thrill of discovery I did when you learn that Kevin Smith had Batman tell a story about... no, no, see for yourself.
But I would really like to share with you a quote from this interview with Smith, that I think explains a lot: " I’m not telling you anything new…I’m far more creative now, you know. I’ve been writing this Batman: The Widening Gyre miniseries, and I’m stoned all the time when I’m writing it. And, I swear, I’ll write it, and then, it’s not so much blackout, but forget, so much so that the next morning, I go to read what I wrote, and it’s, like, I’m that fuckin’ little cobbler and elves came and fuckin' wrote it in the night, because I’m, like, "This is better than anything I’ve ever written before." I mean, like, I’ve done comics, but this is way better."
That really wraps it up nicely, doesn't it?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Banes of My Existence: Sheryl Crow
So we're in a hotel right now, upstate for my sister-in-law's wedding, and yesterday I caught a little bit of Good Morning America. Just in time to see Sheryl Crow perform her crappy new song. Lucky me! Her performance was, even by the standards of the Good Morning America Summer Concert Series, lame. See for yourself:
EDIT: Okay, that's just the interview. Can't seem to find the performance. Perhaps that's just as well.
I have a long history with accidentally stumbling across Sheryl Crow performances. I remember several years ago watching a Pittsburg Steelers game (either a playoff game or the opening of Heinz Field, can't remember which) and she was the halftime entertainment. At the time, I don't think she'd done anything significant in years (not even Lance Armstrong... badumbump), so I was surprised to see her. She was debuting a new song, which I thought was poor even by her standards... which was, of course "Soak Up the Sun", which ended up being arguably her biggest hit. My opinion often has that effect.
I suppose she's not terrible; she's just so... lame. It's like a word association game. The name "Sheryl Crow" just screams mediocrity passing for something bigger. Like, she's hot, but she's no Shania Twain. And her music's awful, but she's no Shania Twain. This performance yesterday really sums up the Sheryl Crow experience well. The song's entirely unmemorable, her performance bland, the crowd only remotely interested. I imagine a Sheryl Crow concert to be dull beyond belief; even Celine Dion can connect with a crowd.
To balance this out, here's a couple videos from the woman Sheryl Crow desperately wishes she was (though she's probably sold ten times as many records) Neko Case.
EDIT: Okay, that's just the interview. Can't seem to find the performance. Perhaps that's just as well.
I have a long history with accidentally stumbling across Sheryl Crow performances. I remember several years ago watching a Pittsburg Steelers game (either a playoff game or the opening of Heinz Field, can't remember which) and she was the halftime entertainment. At the time, I don't think she'd done anything significant in years (not even Lance Armstrong... badumbump), so I was surprised to see her. She was debuting a new song, which I thought was poor even by her standards... which was, of course "Soak Up the Sun", which ended up being arguably her biggest hit. My opinion often has that effect.
I suppose she's not terrible; she's just so... lame. It's like a word association game. The name "Sheryl Crow" just screams mediocrity passing for something bigger. Like, she's hot, but she's no Shania Twain. And her music's awful, but she's no Shania Twain. This performance yesterday really sums up the Sheryl Crow experience well. The song's entirely unmemorable, her performance bland, the crowd only remotely interested. I imagine a Sheryl Crow concert to be dull beyond belief; even Celine Dion can connect with a crowd.
To balance this out, here's a couple videos from the woman Sheryl Crow desperately wishes she was (though she's probably sold ten times as many records) Neko Case.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Banes of My Existence: NBC.com
So we don't have tv anymore; well, we have a tv, but it's not hooked up to anything outside of the DVD player that allows us to watch anything. This is not a big deal. It was an easy choice to make, in fact, because there's really nothing on tv anymore that you can't watch online or via DVD. So we've got to wait until Thursday night to watch Lost-- so what? It's a perfect plan... except for NBC.com.
NBC.com sucks. It's one of the worst sites of any kind that I've ever suffered through. Navigation is more difficult than it should be; to watch an episode it often takes several clicks just to get to the player. But that's nothing compared to how !@#$ long it takes to watch an episode. Let's say you're watching The Office; the show will play for roughly five seconds, then buffer for five seconds, then play then buffer. So you pause the show, to allow it to buffer. First off, the shows often don't stay paused, starting up again without warning. Secondly, no matter how long you pause, it doesn't seem to make a difference. Last week I started an episode while my wife took a shower, and paused it. After she was done, we resumed the episode, and it didn't make it to the credits. Ridiculous!
NBC, look at the sites for Fox and ABC ( I suppose you could look at CBS, but I haven't watched a CBS show in years. Do they have a web site?). Shows play continuously without interruption. There's no reason to have such poor streaming video. And you're only hurting yourself; we haven't sampled Parks and Recreation, for example, because it's too much of a pain in the ass. Thank God none of your hour long shows are worth watching.
Stop sucking, NBC.com!
NBC.com sucks. It's one of the worst sites of any kind that I've ever suffered through. Navigation is more difficult than it should be; to watch an episode it often takes several clicks just to get to the player. But that's nothing compared to how !@#$ long it takes to watch an episode. Let's say you're watching The Office; the show will play for roughly five seconds, then buffer for five seconds, then play then buffer. So you pause the show, to allow it to buffer. First off, the shows often don't stay paused, starting up again without warning. Secondly, no matter how long you pause, it doesn't seem to make a difference. Last week I started an episode while my wife took a shower, and paused it. After she was done, we resumed the episode, and it didn't make it to the credits. Ridiculous!
NBC, look at the sites for Fox and ABC ( I suppose you could look at CBS, but I haven't watched a CBS show in years. Do they have a web site?). Shows play continuously without interruption. There's no reason to have such poor streaming video. And you're only hurting yourself; we haven't sampled Parks and Recreation, for example, because it's too much of a pain in the ass. Thank God none of your hour long shows are worth watching.
Stop sucking, NBC.com!
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